Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Police attachment: Part 2 - Nicked

Here’s an extract from Frank’s blog http://www.confusedfrank.oopsyspot.com (with no excessive disrespect to Frank intended, I just thought he could tell the story better than me).

So we gets to the nick and they gets me out the van and they has me standing in a cage not properly inside the nick, like, and there woz two coppers and this geezer I dunno who he was, and he didn’t even say nothing, and then we woz just standing there for ages, the old bill has some fags but I don’t have one, I can’t cos my arms are cuffed behind my back innit. Anyway I says like have you worked it out yet, I don’t have a sub-machinegun on me and the old copper he says yeah, we worked that one out, mate, then I says like, can you take the cuffs off coz I can’t blow my nose but the copper wipes my nose with my jumper, they says they can’t take the cuffs off cos I haven’t been searched yet innit. Truthfully, I says, I’m not gonna do nothing am I, do I look like a nutter? but they just ask me like how are you now? I says my fucking shoulder blade hurts why did they get on top? And the old copper he just says oh sorry about that but I says yeah but it was fucking Esso nigh eeeen!! I’ll be honest with you that was well out of order by the way I wanna join the police but I won’t get in now will I? And yeah I’ve been in the army, but a fucking gun in my face, Esso nigh eeeen there was no need for it. He says so you’ve been in the army which regiment, the Royal Norfolk ‘n Goods regiment I says seventeen months, nah, seventeen and a half months, I’m not a nutter. The copper says did I work for London borough of Insult-upon-Injury and I says yeah how did you know? Cos it’s on your coat he says, I says you’re not gonna tell ‘em are you he says nah of course not, why would we tell ‘em? I’m really upset like and he says don’t worry you’re not gonna lose your job over this, this is nothing you’ll just get an 80 pound fine, oh, by the way what time are you meant to be at work in the morning? 5am I says oh shit he says never mind. 80 pound you’re having a laugh.

Anyway we gets into the nick and they says careful don’t touch the walls an alarm will go off and then we gets into this room with a tall bird behind a counter and we’re waiting longer, and that geezer he sits down and another police bird says like are you outta trojan then? I’m like whaaat? he says ummm but the other copper says go behind the counter this is all on camera, if it all kicks off they’ll be asking why wasn’t you behind the counter? I says don’t worry truthfully I’m not gonna do nothing I’m knackered aren’t I? The old copper says to the bird why I was nicked like, and then they’re asking all sorts again like what’s your name? I says I don’t have to give you my name and take the cuffs off pleeeeeze and they says no we’re not taking them off, what’s your name? Joe Bloggs I says how are you spelling Bloggs? she says, I says don’t worry about it. They get my credit cards out my pocket and the bird says right now we’ll see what your name is won’t we but I’m like no you won’t… cos… cos they’re not my cards innit, so there, and the bitch she says aaaah now there’s an admission, what a cow, then she says to the copper well aren’t you gonna nick him for that? he says yeah I suppose but she says well go on then and he looks at me and says you’re nicked for whatever and I say yeah yeah I know she just said. The old copper picks up a card and he says well at least Mr Poke will be happy to get his cards back and I’m like fucking hell can’t you read that’s Pike he says nah that’s Poke I says my name’s Pike you dickhead. The bird says can I remind you not to swear in here, dickhead ain’t swearing I says, it’s a proverb, that shut them up.

Then the bird she chucks a leaflet at me and she’s asking am I a nutter or not? do I have a learning something… whatever, do I need anyone to help me read and am I gonna do myself in? And they wanted my necklace but I says I have to keep it for religious faith reasons and she says you know we can remove it by force if we have to, I says no you can’t it’s for God and then the coppers wot nicked me, suddenly his radio is off and they bugger off I'm like what’s that all about then?

End of Part 2. To be polished off…